Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm

My mom has been complaining for the last few days of a terrible smell in her room. She keeps making me sniff various areas of the room and saying stuff like, "See, right there! Can't you smell it? Something is dead in here, I swear!"

Truthfully I can't smell anything at all, but she was bugging me so much I finally agreed that something stunk so she'd leave me alone. That didn't work, though, as she then started firing questions at me.

Mom: What does it smell like to you?

Me: I don't know. Ass?

Mom: I think something must have died in here but I've looked everywhere and I can't find anything. It's driving me crazy! Do you think that's it, or does it smell more like mold?

Me: No, you're right, this room reeks of the grave.

Mom: (Nostrils flaring like a beagle on the hunt) Maybe it's coming through the air conditioning vent from the attic. Go up there and see if you see anything dead.

So, I had to pull the ladder out and climb up into the tiny, spider infested attic and crawl around with a flashlight looking for dead rats or zombies or whatever the heck else my mom could think of. I didn't see any dead rodents and I was about to climb back down when I noticed an opening in the wall towards the very back. I crept a little closer and shined the flashlight on it so I could check it out.

I'd never had any reason to enter the attic before. The real estate agent certainly didn't bring me up there before I bought the place, and it never occured to me to take a look.

Squinting through the dust, I finally located a lightswitch and turned it on. Holy cow, I wish I hadn't!

The opening was much bigger than I'd initially thought, about the size of a largish television, and circled with red paint. An eerie crimson glow seemed to emanate from the center. As I approached it, a terrible stench filled my nostrils and flies began buzzing around my head. I pulled the neck of my tee shirt up over my nose and kept going.

The opening radiated a terrible heat and what sounded like screams. I stopped right in front of it, unsure of what to do next. Then from somewhere inside the hole I heard a deep, rumbling voice bellow these words,

"get out!"

Well, I didn't have to be told twice! I scrambled out of the attic and slammed the door shut, nearly falling off the ladder in my haste to get the fuck away.

"Did you find a dead rat?" My mom asked hopefully.

"No," I said, "but it appears we have a portal to Hell in the attic."

"But no dead animals? What about a bird? A bird might have gotten up there somehow."

"Mom," I said. "Didn't you hear me? There is an opening to Hades right here in our house. This is like, some Amityville Horror type shit!"

"Oh brother," she said, rolling her eyes. "Well, since you didn't see anything I'm going to call an air conditioning company and have them come flush out the vents." Then she walked off. She never takes me seriously.

I had often wondered what was going on with this place. Now all that weird, unexplainable stuff - the fruit flies we can never seem to get rid of entirely, the green slime that oozes from the refrigerator, that time I saw the dog levitating - it all makes perfect sense. I'm not a lousy housekeeper who occasionally smokes to much pot and hallucinates things, my home is just possessed by demons!

It's good to know, but I'm not planning on moving or anything like that, any time soon. Not with the sweet interest rate I've got locked in on this mortgage.

In other news, I'm still lice free and my head no longer itches.


Diane said...

I'd rather have a portal to hell than a dead rat in the wall . . . and I speak from first hand experience on that one.

Prunella Jones said...

Crikey, I remember you blogging about that. Now I don't feel so bad about my house being the gateway to the underworld. Fire and brimstone don't really smell all that bad.

xl said...

teh xorcist, ur doin it rite!!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Heck a good fixed interest mortgage! A demon could come out of the closet and I would just show him the interest rate and it would lower it's head and climb back into Hell all disappointed.

Krissyface said...

at least you didn't find the Jehovah's Witnesses up there, trying to sell you on the whole salvation thing.

Anonymous said...

I had one of those at my last place. It was awful. You have no idea how annoying blood seeping from the ceiling and a booming satanic voice can be. Thankfully, that corningware insulation is pretty good at muffling sound. Just keep laying it on thick, as many rows as it takes, then spackle right over it. I had a couple more hellmouths pop up in the basement, too, and got rid of them the same way.

And for god's sake stop the human sacrifices to satan. Turns out that's what was causing it. So fucking annoying!

Anonymous said...
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D.O.M. Dan said...

I have a suggestion: throw a small bottle of Holy Water into the portal and see what happens next.

WendyB said...

I've been wary of my kitchen ever since seeing Ghostbusters.

mr_g said...

Are you sure the portal leads to hell and not Disneyland? It's sometimes hard to tell them apart when you're trip, er, I mean falling off a ladder...

muse said...

Sorry about the portal...you might want to go back up there and measure...make sure it doesn't grow.

LarryLilly said...

Hell isnt real, and if it does exist, it would have to have much more than a door. It would have to have an entire border, like the US - Canadian border. And even then it would be standing-room-only!

Are you prone to exaggeration?

And yes, i have had many rats/mice dead in walls. One particular place that was in the master bedroom, for a night you would hear them scratching the walls, the second night nothing, the 5th night the smell. The next day, cutting open the sheet-rock, take the bastard out, patch the plaster. Then after the 3rd such episode, we placed a mouse trap inside the cavity, saving ourselves the night of scratching LOL.

Later did an entire search of the house, found a hole about 1/2 inch, plugged it up, no more mices.

CarmenSinCity said...

wow - cool attic!!!! I wish I had a portal to hell.

Helen said...

I'm sorry, Pru, unless I see a youtube vid, I can't believe it...

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

My wife would be very jealous because that sounds a little like The Ninth Gate, which means that Johnny Depp might show up sometime.

MJ said...

Whew! I'm glad to know you're lice free. I was afraid that I was going to have to fly out to do a check-up on you!

By the way, my mother used to do the same thing to me when she got older -- call me to come over to help her look for the origin of a smell. Not a fun way to spend a Saturday night! :)

Prunella Jones said...

XL- my spinning head, let me show you it.

Ron- no doubt. I ain't going any where. Those demons aren't nearly as annoying as half of my neighbors at the last apartment I rented.

Krissy- they come to the front door with their Watchtowers.

Mister- it wasn't me making the sacrifices, it was Tucksworth. My wiccaan group just ends up cursing ex boyfriends and eating chips when we get together.

DAn- I don't have any holy water, but I did throw some Kabballah water in there. The demons laughed in my face and threw it back.

Wendy- I've been wary of my kitchen since I realized cooking makes a mess.

Mr G- I believe Disneyland is one of the deepest levels of Hell.

Muse- I'm not going up there again, huh-uh! I'll make my mom go.

LArrylilly- am I prone to exaggeration?? Have you read my blog? ;b

Yargh, I don't want to have to go chopping through my walls. Won't the dead mouse just mummify or something?

Carmen- hmmmm, maybe I could charge admission? How much would people be willing to fork over to see a portal to Hell? Maybe $14.95?
$7 for kids under 12.

Helen- Doubting Helen, my skeptical friend!

Blowing Shit Up- I've got my fingers crossed and legs open hoping Johnny comes by.

MJ- I wonder if your sense of smell improves as you age, and it makes you enjoy walking around sniffing things?

MJ said...

Pru -- very possible. My mom was always like, "smell this fruit. does it smell bad to you? smell these towels. do they smell moldy?" JEEEZZZ! All of that time spent smelling things was really cutting into my weed smokin' and porn time. I tried to tell her, but NOOOO....

brendalove@gmail.com said...

If Johnny Depp resides in hell, I might want to rethink any future good deeds.

If your mom is truly smelling something, make her go get a dental exam. Sometimes if a tooth has decay it will make you think you smell something bad. For reals!

ablondeblogger said...

Oh weird! I kid you not when I say we woke up to a swarm of fruit flies in our house today. Out of friggin nowhere. I swear I killed about twenty today....YUCK.

Now I'm going to go check my attic, lol.

Prunella Jones said...

MJ- my poor mom has been complaining that something smells "skunky" the whole time she's been here. I could enlighten her but then she'll just lecture me.

Brenda- she just went to the dentist so that's probably not it. Good to know though.

Johnny is going to Hell for all the lust he incites in the hearts of women everywhere, so at least I'll have something pretty to look at while burning.

Blonde- how do you kill those little suckers? They are so tiny and quick!

ablondeblogger said...

ugh....it's definitely not easy!


That's not a portal to hell-that's the blogosphere.

LA said...

Reminds me of "Being John Malkovich." Maybe your portal enables one to be Karl Rove.