Monday, July 07, 2008
Fork you, Target!
Meet my new lawn gnome, Fork.
I named him Fork because he looks kinda emo to me with that black eyeliner, and emo types seem to love having sad sack anti-names. I got him by accident on my last trip to Target.
When I say by accident, that's what I mean. I didn't go to Target specifically to buy a yard gnome; I meant to only buy dogfood and that's it. Instead I walked out with a cart full of crap, including Fork here. I don't know what happened but (as usual) I have a theory.
You see whenever I walk in to Target, like most people, I grab a cart thinking that I'll need it for the heavy bag of dog food. But as soon as my hand actually touched the cart I entered a fugue state - possibly complete with drool dripping down my chin - and didn't resume conciousness until I was standing in the checkout line digging for my credit card to pay for the huge amount of stuff I had somehow accumulated.
This is what I bought besides Fork the Gnome:
gigantic package of toilet paper
a monkey cookie jar
a shower curtain
a package of chocolate covered pistachios
I absolutely do not remember putting any of it in my cart!
See my theory is the red and white bullseye logo they have actually hypnotises you as you approach the store. Then, as soon as you walk through the door, they play that super soft music that whispers commands of "buy, buy, buy" as you meander up and down the aisles.
One time when I was at Target I heard a lady remark to her friend, "I just love this store. It's so well lit."
"Yes," her companion answered, "and the aisles are so roomy."
Tell me, is that a conversation a person would have if their brain were fully active and concious?
Oddly this never happens to me at Walmart. Walmart sucks ass.