Meet my new lawn gnome, Fork.
I named him Fork because he looks kinda emo to me with that black eyeliner, and emo types seem to love having sad sack anti-names. I got him by accident on my last trip to Target.
When I say by accident, that's what I mean. I didn't go to Target specifically to buy a yard gnome; I meant to only buy dogfood and that's it. Instead I walked out with a cart full of crap, including Fork here. I don't know what happened but (as usual) I have a theory.
You see whenever I walk in to Target, like most people, I grab a cart thinking that I'll need it for the heavy bag of dog food. But as soon as my hand actually touched the cart I entered a fugue state - possibly complete with drool dripping down my chin - and didn't resume conciousness until I was standing in the checkout line digging for my credit card to pay for the huge amount of stuff I had somehow accumulated.
This is what I bought besides Fork the Gnome:
dog food
cat food
gigantic package of toilet paper
mascara
shampoo
conditioner
hair gel
a monkey cookie jar
socks
2 shirts
a book
lip gloss
a necklace
2 CDs
3 DVDs
a shower curtain
a bikini
paper towels
a package of chocolate covered pistachios
I absolutely do not remember putting any of it in my cart!
See my theory is the red and white bullseye logo they have actually hypnotises you as you approach the store. Then, as soon as you walk through the door, they play that super soft music that whispers commands of "buy, buy, buy" as you meander up and down the aisles.
One time when I was at Target I heard a lady remark to her friend, "I just love this store. It's so well lit."
"Yes," her companion answered, "and the aisles are so roomy."
Tell me, is that a conversation a person would have if their brain were fully active and concious?
Oddly this never happens to me at Walmart. Walmart sucks ass.
24 comments:
Lets hope you
have a cat
wear the bathing suit when you go out and not the shower curtain.
OHM thinks you may be onto something.
this is why i'm not allowed inside Target.
There was a good King of the Hill episode about a garden gnome.
What is that gnome going to do with that chicken? I am frightened.
I am that same way with amazon, but sadly amazon has 100x the selection as even target.
So I will poke around planning to buy some glue and next thing you know I have ab xxxl sized ninja suit and a grappling hook in my shopping cartm along with two big bag's of hemp protein. And no glue, of course.
I got some mean comments and they turned out to be coming from vegas, btw. THE POSTS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING. GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!!!
LArry- I do have a cat and as for the shower curtain, are you trying toruin my fun?
OHM- indeed, sir!
Fashion herald- no doubt. This is why I try not to go, but it beckons me at least every other month.
Wendy- I mmust have missed that one, but I do love that show. Peggy has all the best lines.
XL- he'll probably choke it. You know gnomes.
Mister- and whatever you do, don't fall asleep.
One, two, Freddy's coming for you...
ha!
i am hypnotized by the target bullseye everytime!
you're shopping list sounds like mine!
And naturally, wal mart is on my shit list and i avoid it at ALL costs. wal mart gives me anxiety.
Reminded me of the South Park episode where the boys have to save the town from being turned into zombie shoppers and kill the "WALLmart" by destroying the mirror that contains the "soul" of the store.
I'm with ya on this one, too! To get pretty much anywhere in my Target, I first walk past the clothes, which includes the Isaac Mizrahi line that I LOVE. After I have a few new outfits, I head towards the shoe section . . . 10 minutes later I finally get to the departments I was originally intending to hit - paper goods, cleaning products, dog treats . . .
Oh, and I beg you - try the Target Boxed Pinot Grigio!
Me- Walmart depresses me. The workers always look like the live in their cars. I just hate it.
Mr G- love that episode!
Diane- Target boxed wine, eh? I'm making a note of it for my next months visit.
If my wife came home with that gnome, I'd tell her: "Get the fork out of here!"
I agree with your theory.
And I bet that last item didn't last long!!
I used to think Target had some sort of mind control device like that. Then I went to Target one day and realized how ridiculous that was as I purchased $500 of products I didn't need while mumbling under my breath "Target does not use mind control, buy more!!"
Hey! Someone stole my comment!
I think Target pumps in nitrous in their AC to get people to get happy and start shopping. No joke, I went to get some shampoo the other day and $200 later, I had a new hamper for the bathroom, an industrial drum of trail mix, a bathing suit and monkey dishes.
Not dishes for a monkey, but dishes with the face of a monkey. As if that makes it better. And, I don't even know how to swim.
Love your little gnome guy. I do the same thing when I get in Target. I blame it on all the pretty colors in there. :)
Hello My Name Is Diana, I've never been to Target.
I swear, you've figured out their master plan. I thought they possibly had a secret vacuum that attaches like a leech to customer's wallets. I can't get out of that place without over-spending. But damnit, they sure do have some good prices on live's basic necessities.
I am in full agreement about that red evil bullseye. I get all manic in Target. You forgot though to mention the bargain bins by the checkout counter...hey, I need new day-glo plastic cups...and they are only a dollar! And don't forget pre-packaged thank-you cards...and leis, for when I throw that backyard luau, if I ever get a backyard...
You're on to something. The same thing happens to me EVERY time and never at WalMart either. And my Target has a Starbucks and I can never resist that either.
I always buy way too much when I go to Target too - it's craziness I tell ya!!
I just went to Target again and spent $122! Dammit, I need to join some sort of 12 step program.
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