Sunday, May 11, 2008

A F**king Great Mother's Day Gift

I'm a grown up, dammit! And as a grown up I should be able to cuss like a truck driver in my own home if I want to. And I do want to, pretty much daily. There is just so much to cuss about in my life. Plus it's fun.

But it looks like I will have to start watching what I say. My mom has asked me to clean up my language as a Mother's Day present to her. Can you believe it? Here is how the conversation went down:


Me: What do you want for Mother's Day?

Mom: Oh, you don't need to get me anything, honey. You need to save your money so you can buy that new transmission for your car.

Me: It's not that bad, Mom. I can afford to get you something and take you to lunch. So what do you think you'd like?

Mom: No, no. I don't want anything.

Me: Mom! Come on.

Mom: Well, okay then. If you want to do something nice for me for Mother's Day, then what I'd really like is for you to stop using so much profanity - especially taking the Lord's name in vain. It hurts my ears and makes you sound uneducated. That would be the best present you could give me.

Me: Fuck, Mom! Wouldn't you rather have a pair of earrings instead?



I wonder why I love to curse so much? Neither of my parents did much of it. My dad absolutely hated bad language. He thought it was low class. My mom thought the same although every once in a while if she broke a dish, or stubbed her toe, she might cry out, "oh, hell's bells!"

When that happened my dad would be shocked.

"Really, Sarah," he'd admonish. "There is no need for that kind of talk!"

Thus chastened, my mom would look suitably ashamed.

My dad's favorite insult was to call someone a turkey. He was prone to road rage and loved to scream and complain about other people's driving, but the most he would ever do was roll down his window and shake his fist at the driver who'd angered him and yell out, "why don't you get off the road, you turkey!"

Hmmmm, now I'm wondering if he got that expression from watching the show Good Times?

I must have been about eight or so, the first time I heard some older kid utter the word bullshit. I loved it. It seemed so thrillingly bad.

"Bullshit," I'd whisper over and over to myself, liking the hissing shhh sound of it.

I always had an attitude problem at school, and muttering "bullshit" under my breath felt satisfyingly defiant.

"What did you say, young lady?" my third grade teacher would ask, glaring at me suspiciously.

"Nothing," I'd answer with an innocent face, but inside I'd be thinking, "heh, heh."


Ahh, the sweet memories of youth!


Well, anyway, it looks like those days are over. I promised Mom to clean up my language and I will. It's going to be hard though. I'm a verbal person who doesn't believe in bottling up feelings. So I've decided to come up with a few cuss word substitutes.

This is what I've written down so far:

consarnit

dadgummit

goldangit

horsepuckey

double dogdangit

tarnation

God's Nightgown!


For some reason, everything I can think of sounds like dialogue from an Erskine Caldwell novel about southern degenerates. Does anyone have any good suggestions?


Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you so cottonpickin' much!

20 comments:

Sunshine said...

I, for one, hope you are having a fabulous FUCKING day!

LA said...

Well, Pru, I come from a woman who, when I was a teen, admonished me to close the draperies in the front room because, "you could be playing with your twat, and the whole world would see." And as far as my dad and road rage goes, well, other drivers were either an "asshole" or a "bitch." So other than "frick" which I picked up from Scrubs, I'm afraid I have no decent substitutes.

Happy Mother's day to your mom, though! :)

M-M-M-Mishy said...

My mother curses like a sailor but will deny it.

Did you know that you can go to a hypnotist to stop cursing? True story. Don't have a fucking clue if it works though.

muse said...

Shuckings is a wonderful substitute for shit. Try it!

Mister Underhill said...

I have a tendency to go over the top cussing like in the usual suspects GIVE ME THE MOTHERFUCKING KEYS YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKAAAAAHAH!

That said, consarnit? Really, you should be ashame to speak like that. I can't imagine what your dad must have thought of you.

xl said...

Learn some foreign curse words. Then swear like a French (or whatever) sailor!

UBERMOUTH said...

Yeah, swear in a foreign language!

Ali said...

As someone who launches into full blown tourettes-like outbursts on a fairly regular basis - I don't have much to offer by way of "curse-like" substitutes.
It's so bad that my husband's friends refer to me as 'Capy.
But, much like you, swearing makes me happy! There is just nothing like a properly placed curse to really get your point across.
I just try to tone it down around my mom because I hate to see her cringe...

CarmenSinCity said...

ha ha - that's too funny. My mom is always asking me to stop cussing as much too - but luckily she didn't ask for it as a Mother's Day present. I got her flowers instead.

MsPuddin said...

well happy fucking mothers day to you too, bitch...

ok i dont really think your a bitch, that was for effect. oh nevermind...

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Hmmm...

Fudge
Fargin Icehole
Bastich
Panty Waste
Sphincter
Dagnabbit

I hope that helps out some Dammit.

Prunella Jones said...

Sunshine- thanks, it was magically delicious.

LA- wow, I can't imagine my mom saying the word twat. I doubt she knows what it means.

Mish- you are getting sleepier and less foul mouthed. And you will quack like a duck everytime someone says the word hello.

Muse- hmmm shuckings? It sounds like two of my favorite cuss words combined.

Mister U- such filthy words from such a purty mouth.

XL - merde!

Uber- shiesse!

Ali- I wsometimes wish I had tourettes so I could cuss people out and then blame it on my disability.

Carmen- I got my mom flowers too. I'll try my best to stop cussing so fucking much but it's pretty hard.

Mspuddin- I think if we spell it beeyotch it won't count.

Ron- sphincter is a good one. I'll have to remember it.

Krissyface said...

my friend's mother always said, "Jesus Christmas!" but with such hatred and verve that it sounded like a curse.

Also, in junior high we liked to spell curses:

Sugar-Honey-Iced-T !

Or, my personal fave:

C-U-Next-Tuesday

What a waste of time though.
You're a good daughter.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Go the Fred Flintstone route:

"Racka Fracka muttermuttermutter..."

Moi said...

Well, I try to avoid it around the kids, so I say a lot of stuff like monkeybutt and icebucket (that sounds like asshole, right? RIGHT?).

Son of a biscuit eater is another popular one when the 4 year old is around.

Have you ever seen Johnny Dangerously? One of the characters used to butcher all the cursewords ...

Bastages
Iceholes
Fargin'

Hope it helps!

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I guess "Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ" is out of the question?

Diane said...

when I'd ask my mom what she wanted for mothers day, birthday etc., she'd come up with manual labor - "I'd like my garage cleaned out" . . .

So I learned to re-phrase "what you like that can be purchased at a mall?"

Ms Smack said...

Sometimes Golly Gosh doesn't cut it eh?

You know, I recently scheduled a time to call my mother.

She said 'don't call when Gordon Ramsay is on, ok?'

I guess she's okay with cussing.

Pamcasso said...

when I was little, my mom called all asshole drivers George, which was highly hilarious. I would point out when they were women, and rename them Georgette, Georgia, or some other form (I don't think I knew Georgiana existed at the time). My dad curses like crazy, he has a lot of anxiety and while watching tv he runs through his day with comments he might have said if he had turrets. I curse all the time. No good substitutes, although my friend who has a three yearo old son has him call farting a wolf howl, which I thought was impressive, alas, not a curse word to start with.

Pamcasso said...
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