Sitting here at my kitchen table
eating oatmeal and wearing a thong,
I think back on my recent trip to England
and wonder how it all went so wrong.
Cripes! Golddigging ain't easy
didn't know how hard it would be
all I wanted was money for a new transmission
and possible sex with Paul McCartney.
Meeting up with Paul was so easy
this is where it helps to be a cute chick.
He was backstage looking for a light for his ganja
so I sidled up to him, smiled, and flicked my Bic.
Paul was so friendly and a gentleman
I liked his crinkly, smiling eyes
As we spoke I hiked my skirt up
so he could get a good look at my creamy thighs.
We talked and laughed and flirted
as we sat back enjoying the pot.
I teasingly called him a total GILF
he winked and said he thought I was hawt.
But it was when he gently kissed my palm
that the flame between us ignited.
And when he asked me to accompany him back to his room
I answered, "Why, I'd be delighted."
And so we strode off hand in hand
into the soft spring night
Blissfully unaware in our giddy lust
that we'd soon be in for a terrible fright.
Paul and me strolling through London before the incident.
She confronted us as we walked through an ally
Paul's looney tunes ex-wife.
There was hate in her eye and crazy spittle on her chin
and in her hands she a held a very large (gulp) butcher knife!
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she snarled.
"Step away from my husband, you skank!
I don't care if the judge says that we are divorced,
I haven't yet finished taking him to the bank!"
Paul got real mad then and yelled back at her
his face turned a bright shade of crimson.
In a shaky voice he urged me to run away fast
just in case she tried to pull an OJ Simpson.
Heather Mills showing her displeasure at seeing me with Paul.
Well, I am not very tough, not by any means
in fact I'm really quite wimpy
my only real weapon is a brazen smart mouth, so I said,
"Why don't you hop your ass on out of here, Gimpy!"
Bellowing with rage, she charged at me then
brandishing the wicked sharp knife
and I thought to myself, "what would MacGuyver do?"
God, I've watched way too much TV in life!
Paul managed just then to take away the knife
but the madwoman just wouldn't quit
quick as a wink she snatched off her peg leg
and began to pummel me with it!
She was quite strong and those blows really hurt
so in order to stop her attack,
I karate kicked her good knee out from under her
causing Heather to fall on her back.
Swooping up the fake leg I held it high above my head
like that guy in The Highlander movie,
and then I quoted the line, "there can be only one!"
because I thought it was funny - you know me.
The next thing I knew there were cops everywhere
and Heather screamed that I'd started the brawl.
They cuffed me and carted my ass off to jail
so I never did get to bang Paul.
Of course, there is a lot more to the story
but for now this is all you can know.
I've saving up all of the juicy details
for my appearance next week on the Dr. Phil show.