Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Ballad of Paul and Prunella

Sitting here at my kitchen table
eating oatmeal and wearing a thong,
I think back on my recent trip to England
and wonder how it all went so wrong.

Cripes! Golddigging ain't easy
didn't know how hard it would be
all I wanted was money for a new transmission
and possible sex with Paul McCartney.

Meeting up with Paul was so easy
this is where it helps to be a cute chick.
He was backstage looking for a light for his ganja
so I sidled up to him, smiled, and flicked my Bic.

Paul was so friendly and a gentleman
I liked his crinkly, smiling eyes
As we spoke I hiked my skirt up
so he could get a good look at my creamy thighs.

We talked and laughed and flirted
as we sat back enjoying the pot.
I teasingly called him a total GILF
he winked and said he thought I was hawt.

But it was when he gently kissed my palm
that the flame between us ignited.
And when he asked me to accompany him back to his room
I answered, "Why, I'd be delighted."

And so we strode off hand in hand
into the soft spring night
Blissfully unaware in our giddy lust
that we'd soon be in for a terrible fright.

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Paul and me strolling through London before the incident.

She confronted us as we walked through an ally
Paul's looney tunes ex-wife.
There was hate in her eye and crazy spittle on her chin
and in her hands she a held a very large (gulp) butcher knife!

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she snarled.
"Step away from my husband, you skank!
I don't care if the judge says that we are divorced,
I haven't yet finished taking him to the bank!"

Paul got real mad then and yelled back at her
his face turned a bright shade of crimson.
In a shaky voice he urged me to run away fast
just in case she tried to pull an OJ Simpson.

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Heather Mills showing her displeasure at seeing me with Paul.

Well, I am not very tough, not by any means
in fact I'm really quite wimpy
my only real weapon is a brazen smart mouth, so I said,
"Why don't you hop your ass on out of here, Gimpy!"

Bellowing with rage, she charged at me then
brandishing the wicked sharp knife
and I thought to myself, "what would MacGuyver do?"
God, I've watched way too much TV in life!

Paul managed just then to take away the knife
but the madwoman just wouldn't quit
quick as a wink she snatched off her peg leg
and began to pummel me with it!

She was quite strong and those blows really hurt
so in order to stop her attack,
I karate kicked her good knee out from under her
causing Heather to fall on her back.

Swooping up the fake leg I held it high above my head
like that guy in The Highlander movie,
and then I quoted the line, "there can be only one!"
because I thought it was funny - you know me.

The next thing I knew there were cops everywhere
and Heather screamed that I'd started the brawl.
They cuffed me and carted my ass off to jail
so I never did get to bang Paul.

Of course, there is a lot more to the story
but for now this is all you can know.
I've saving up all of the juicy details
for my appearance next week on the Dr. Phil show.


Anonymous said...

My cat's name is gimpy. What an odd coincidence.

WendyB said...

Best. Post. Ever.
Seriously, they should just shut the Internet down now. Everything else will be a disappointment after this.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- you named your cat after Heather Mills? That IS odd and coincidental.

Wendy- aw, go on! lol

CarmenSinCity said...

Heather Mills is such a blowhard. Everyone hates her and she sucked on dancing with the stars.

Krissyface said...

Pru, omg, you kill me.

"Why don't you hop your ass on out of here, Gimpy!"

Is GILF short for Geriatric I'd Like to Fuck?

And by the way, I'm so fucking glad you gave up the "no cussing" bullshit.

Love, Kristin

xl said...

Ms Pru, I have an audio comment tangentially related to Paul. Of course, if you don't like links in the comments, please delete this puppy.

D.O.M. Dan said...

Oh Pru, you’re so clever – and cool. I like the way you worked in part of an actual Beatles title (“The Ballad of . “) into the title of your post.

By the way, I didn’t think that Heather was the type to wield a knife. I would think that she would be more likely to go Helter Skelter on someone, you know, bludgeon them with Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. After all, She’s A Woman; not a Lovely Rita, but just Another Girl. I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story. It’s unfortunate that you and Paul never got to do the deed. I guess you’ll just have to Let It Be.

Ms Smack said...

Gawd, if she wasn't the most expensive whore he bought home.

Prunella Jones said...

Carmen- I missed her appearance on that show, but my mom - who is a huge Dancing With the Stars fan - agrees with you.

Krissy- I was thinking Grandpa I'd Like to Fuck, but Geriatric is better.

That no cussing bullshit sucked ass.

XL- thanks for that. And please feel free to link away in the comments.

Dan- good to hear from you again, Dan. Do You Want to Know a Secret? I Saw Her Standing There, and I Should Have Known Better, but Like Dreamers Do I just had to Shout! Come and Get It. And the She Said, She Said - Run For Your Life.Maybe I'll learn a lesson When I'm Sixty Four, but I doubt it. For now it seems to me that Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey.

Okay, I enjoyed that way too much.

Ms Smack- no doubt. A tranny hooker would have only charged him $40 and a pack of cigarettes.

MsPuddin said...

ok for some reason i dont think oatmeal and thong should be in the same stanza...

Pamcasso said...

amazing. I look forward to your appearance on Dr. Phil, although I'm sure it's going to be crowded with other gold-diggers. and for the sake of drama, maybe Jacko will come too!

WendyB said...

By the way, Sir Paul was very nearly my husband, as you can read on my blog. So I kinda think you're a bitch for attempting to steal him from me.

Prunella Jones said...

MsPuddin- you're probably right about that.

Pamcasso- oh that Dr. Phil is such a blowhard! I had much more fun making muffins on the Rachel Ray Show and helping Maury judge a transexual beauty contest.

Wendy- well, I wasn't trying to steal him exactly. I merely wanted to borrow him for a night or two, or maybe a long weekend. That's all.

Micgar said...

Excellent poetry! Came here by way of Wendy's blog-glad I caught that link-that was great!

Sudiegirl said...

Well, wonder you haven't come to visit my blog.