Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Case of the Soggy Bottom Scratcher

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are here today to discuss the case against one, Jackie "kitteh buddy" Waffles. He is being charged with reckless scratching, scattering water all over the carpets, and ruining a Calgon moment. After hearing her testimony I'm sure you will agree with the plantiff, Prunella Jones, that Jackie is guilty on all counts.

Now tell us, Prunella, what happened on the night in question.

PRU: Well, it was very cold and I'd had a long day. I decided to take a nice hot bath and relax. It was great. I poured in this flowery-scented bubble stuff that someone gave me from an expensive boutique, put on a moisturizing facial mask, made a cup of tea and settled in for a long soak. Then, of course, who pokes his head in the door but Old Doofus.

He padded into the bathroom and looked at me, and I was like, "get lost you little freak", but he wouldn't take the hint and jumped up on the side of the bathtub.

Exhibit #1:

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The scene of the incident.

Q: And then what happened?

PRU: He got very interested in the bubbles and started smacking them with his paw. I flicked water at him, hoping he would go away but it didn't work. He doesn't mind water like most cats do. He often uses his paw as a cup to drink out of his water bowl, for instance. He's also been known to poke his head in the toilet. In my house we call him The Turd Batter.

Q: What does that mean? Does he actually....uh....bat turds around?

PRU: Well, he loves to watch the turds circling around and around the toilet bowl after you flush. It takes them a while to go down because my plumbing is so terrible. He has been known to try and grab a turd on it's way down. That's why I never kiss his paws. God knows where they've been.

Q: O-kaaay, getting back to the incident --

PRU: Yes, sorry to gross you out. Anyway, as I said he was perched on the side of the tub smacking at the bubbles when he lost his footing and fell into the water with a big splash. I was super pissed because I just knew it was going to happen and it did. Plus he scratched the crap out of my leg.

Q: I see. Did it hurt?

PRU: Hell yes it hurt! The bitch has got some serious claws! Then he was trying to jump out but couldn't because he was so bottom heavy. I had to get up and put my bathrobe on so I could haul him out without getting scratched again. And then he took off like a shot before I could towel dry his fur and scattered water everywhere.

Exhibit #2:

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The injury.

Next Witness, Sarah Jones.

SARAH: I remember that night well. I was sitting on my bed watching Dancing With the Stars and doing the crossword puzzle in an old issue of People magazine when Jackie slunk into the room. By the way, what is a three letter word for a rapper Dr. ___?

Q: Dre?

SARAH: No, it needs to start with a J.

Q: Nevermind. Tell us what happened with Jackie.

SARAH: Well, like I said, he came slinking in and jumped on my bed. I screamed because he was totally wet and dripping all over my clean sheets. I said, "Scat, you nasty boy!" I didn't know he'd been in the bathtub. I asummed he'd fallen in the toilet since he's always looking in there, and I didn't want toilet water on my linen.

Q: And you were upset?

SARAH: Yes, he ran under the bed so no one could reach him and left a big wet spot on my carpet.

The plantiff rests, your Honor.


DEFENSE: Meow. Meow. Meeeeow. Meow. Meeow. Me......zzzzzzzzzzzzz

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The defendant fell asleep during his testimony.

JUDGE: I see. I hereby find the defendant, Jackie Waffles, guilty on all counts and sentence him to a regular claw trimming. I also strongly urge the owner to keep her toilet lids closed. That is just disgusting.

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The punishment.


Warped Mind of Ron said...

I just got a Pedi-Paws for my little beasty. And personally I think Jackie Waffles looks to darn cute to be guilty. Free Jackie Waffles!!!

Balou said...

LOL - Open and shut case! Although I predict more scratches using the Pedi Paws. Let me know how that works. I've been thinking of getting one for my clickety clacking German Shepherd.

Diane said...

I hereby volunteer to handle Jackie's appeal, pro bono.

p.s. our cat Charlie once fell in the tub with me . . .

p.p.s. let me know how the nail trimmer works!

Sweet Cheeks said...

I'll not be swayed by the beast's unbelievable cuteness is that picture. He looks just like my mother in law's cat (whose name is Sasquatch-for the same beasty reason) and he has a little toy similar to the one Waffles has. We call it his 'creature'. He likes to drop creature in the toilet for a bath and then fish it out. Gross! Toilet lid rule applies there as well. I'd say there is a good chance Mr. Waffles intends to offend again...watch out!

Mr. Poopie said...

I too have a clickety- clacking German K9 unit. Hmmmm, I wonder if that thing really works. . . . . Thankfully, the two of us wouldn't fit in the tub at the same time.

Prunella Jones said...

Ron- he knows he is cute. That's why he gets away with so much.

Balou- it works okay if you distract the pet with a piece of turkey but you have to be quick. It's a little awkward. I'm still getting the hang of it.

Diane- no appeals. Case closed. You can represent him the next time he runs afowl of the law tho which shouldn't take long.

Sweet- Jackie's little toy bear is named Mister Poof and he enjoys playing fetch with it.

Mr. Poop- I have a friend who showers with his dog. Seems to work out better.

xl said...

I was sorta hoping Jackie would beat the charges with the "Tidy Bowl" defense...

Lulu LaBonne said...

I can't scrape the image of 'turd-batting' out of my head - I will be pressing my suit for damages

All This Trouble... said...

This happened once at my house. Only it was my husband and not my cat and the roommate was this dude named Clifford. So other than that, it was exactly the same.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I think Jackie Waffles was framed!!! Framed I tell ya!!!!

WendyB said...

When cats attack.

Cheasty said...

oh prunella my dear, my sweet. i just spent a delightful little while catching up on your blog, and i feel like i might be sparkling. don't worry, i'm not a vampire, so it's not creepy that way. i love your stories, and here are my comments:

cheap wine: try chilean wines. very good, normally cheapish.

twilight series: i've just recently heard about this and i am deeply suspicious. plan to avoid like the plague.

mr. jackie waffles: naughty cat. but fun!

ennui and glamorous life: i hear you girl, life is so boring and stressful when you're a famous and gorgeous celeb. sigh. i long for days of anonymity.

Krissyface said...

god, you're funny.

My little Sea Monkey is obsessed with water too. You can't leave a glass of it anywhere in the house, or he will dab his paws in it, then methodically dump it over. It's like he has OCD. He has to do it. I've come home to a kitchen floor covered in shattered glass, because I forgot to put my goddamned morning water glass in the sink.

Cats are fuckers.

But they are such cute fuckers.

fashion herald said...

The Turd Batter, ewwwww, gross!
But I do think this needs to go to a jury. he deserves to be judged by a jury of constantly napping, toilet obsessed and unafraid of H2O cats.

LA said...

Dude, my cat Alfie totally tries to bat tampon strings while I'm, un, sitting there doing my business. These orange boy cats are sassy!

me said...

that hoodlum!
que un nasty scratch!

do you think pedi paws is worth it?