Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are here today to discuss the case against one, Jackie "kitteh buddy" Waffles. He is being charged with reckless scratching, scattering water all over the carpets, and ruining a Calgon moment. After hearing her testimony I'm sure you will agree with the plantiff, Prunella Jones, that Jackie is guilty on all counts.
Now tell us, Prunella, what happened on the night in question.
PRU: Well, it was very cold and I'd had a long day. I decided to take a nice hot bath and relax. It was great. I poured in this flowery-scented bubble stuff that someone gave me from an expensive boutique, put on a moisturizing facial mask, made a cup of tea and settled in for a long soak. Then, of course, who pokes his head in the door but Old Doofus.
He padded into the bathroom and looked at me, and I was like, "get lost you little freak", but he wouldn't take the hint and jumped up on the side of the bathtub.
The scene of the incident.
Q: And then what happened?
PRU: He got very interested in the bubbles and started smacking them with his paw. I flicked water at him, hoping he would go away but it didn't work. He doesn't mind water like most cats do. He often uses his paw as a cup to drink out of his water bowl, for instance. He's also been known to poke his head in the toilet. In my house we call him The Turd Batter.
Q: What does that mean? Does he actually....uh....bat turds around?
PRU: Well, he loves to watch the turds circling around and around the toilet bowl after you flush. It takes them a while to go down because my plumbing is so terrible. He has been known to try and grab a turd on it's way down. That's why I never kiss his paws. God knows where they've been.
Q: O-kaaay, getting back to the incident --
PRU: Yes, sorry to gross you out. Anyway, as I said he was perched on the side of the tub smacking at the bubbles when he lost his footing and fell into the water with a big splash. I was super pissed because I just knew it was going to happen and it did. Plus he scratched the crap out of my leg.
Q: I see. Did it hurt?
PRU: Hell yes it hurt! The bitch has got some serious claws! Then he was trying to jump out but couldn't because he was so bottom heavy. I had to get up and put my bathrobe on so I could haul him out without getting scratched again. And then he took off like a shot before I could towel dry his fur and scattered water everywhere.
Next Witness, Sarah Jones.
SARAH: I remember that night well. I was sitting on my bed watching Dancing With the Stars and doing the crossword puzzle in an old issue of People magazine when Jackie slunk into the room. By the way, what is a three letter word for a rapper Dr. ___?
SARAH: No, it needs to start with a J.
Q: Nevermind. Tell us what happened with Jackie.
SARAH: Well, like I said, he came slinking in and jumped on my bed. I screamed because he was totally wet and dripping all over my clean sheets. I said, "Scat, you nasty boy!" I didn't know he'd been in the bathtub. I asummed he'd fallen in the toilet since he's always looking in there, and I didn't want toilet water on my linen.
Q: And you were upset?
SARAH: Yes, he ran under the bed so no one could reach him and left a big wet spot on my carpet.
The plantiff rests, your Honor.
DEFENSE: Meow. Meow. Meeeeow. Meow. Meeow. Me......zzzzzzzzzzzzz
The defendant fell asleep during his testimony.
JUDGE: I see. I hereby find the defendant, Jackie Waffles, guilty on all counts and sentence him to a regular claw trimming. I also strongly urge the owner to keep her toilet lids closed. That is just disgusting.