Last night I dreamt I had turned into a tiny little doll and woke to find it was so.
I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there I was, barely three inches tall and stuck in a land that looked suspiciously like my bathroom countertop.
"Wow, this is weird! Oh well, at least I have a cute outfit. Very renaissance fair."
It was trippy. Unfortunately, I quickly became bored. There was nothing much to do but wander around in the Nail Polish Forest.
And hang out in the Valley of Supplements.
"This is so not fun."
I tried talking to the locals, but we couldn't seem to communicate very well.
Me: "Hey, how's it going?"
Monkey 1: "Who said that? I can't see!"
Monkey 2: "Mmmmmph mmmphh."
Monkey 3: "WHA?...WHAT?"
There was some other sort of weird gargoyle type creature around but it didn't talk. It only seemed interested in staring worshipfully at a can of Pringles.
"Ewww, salt and vinager flavor. I prefer regular."
What was a tiny doll to do? I was lonely.
"This sucks. I must have really pissed someone off. Woe is me."
I kind of fell back on my butt since my little doll legs wouldn't bend, and felt very sorry for myself. It was my darkest hour. But suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a shimmering light. Looking up, I saw dazzling gold picture of a kindly man in a funkified pope outfit.
"It is the Pope! The one who died a few years ago, not that new one. Oh Your Holiness! Please sir, I beg for your help. I don't know what's going on, or if I'm being punished for something, but if I've got to be stuck here on the bathroom sink can I please have some company? Pretty please? A talking lion or something? Come on, that's not too much to ask, is it? I'm not that bad a person, really I'm not. I mean, how many times have I cursed and taken the Lord's name in vain?
"Three million, two hundred and sixty seven times."
Shit! God dam--........uh.....sorry bout that."
It looked like I was doomed to sit all alone in an infrequently cleaned bathroom forever. But then --
"Hola, baby! Que paso?"
"A man! Sweet! Thank you, Mister Pope. I'm so glad I have your picture on my bathroom wall instead of Xenu's."