Friday, February 29, 2008

This Is What Happens When You Give An Insomniac A Camera

Last night I dreamt I had turned into a tiny little doll and woke to find it was so.


I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there I was, barely three inches tall and stuck in a land that looked suspiciously like my bathroom countertop.

"Wow, this is weird! Oh well, at least I have a cute outfit. Very renaissance fair."

It was trippy. Unfortunately, I quickly became bored. There was nothing much to do but wander around in the Nail Polish Forest.


And hang out in the Valley of Supplements.

"This is so not fun."

I tried talking to the locals, but we couldn't seem to communicate very well.

Me: "Hey, how's it going?"

Monkey 1: "Who said that? I can't see!"

Monkey 2: "Mmmmmph mmmphh."

Monkey 3: "WHA?...WHAT?"

There was some other sort of weird gargoyle type creature around but it didn't talk. It only seemed interested in staring worshipfully at a can of Pringles.

"Ewww, salt and vinager flavor. I prefer regular."

What was a tiny doll to do? I was lonely.

"This sucks. I must have really pissed someone off. Woe is me."

I kind of fell back on my butt since my little doll legs wouldn't bend, and felt very sorry for myself. It was my darkest hour. But suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a shimmering light. Looking up, I saw dazzling gold picture of a kindly man in a funkified pope outfit.


"It is the Pope! The one who died a few years ago, not that new one. Oh Your Holiness! Please sir, I beg for your help. I don't know what's going on, or if I'm being punished for something, but if I've got to be stuck here on the bathroom sink can I please have some company? Pretty please? A talking lion or something? Come on, that's not too much to ask, is it? I'm not that bad a person, really I'm not. I mean, how many times have I cursed and taken the Lord's name in vain?

"Three million, two hundred and sixty seven times."

Shit! God dam--........uh.....sorry bout that."

It looked like I was doomed to sit all alone in an infrequently cleaned bathroom forever. But then --

"Hola, baby! Que paso?"

"A man! Sweet! Thank you, Mister Pope. I'm so glad I have your picture on my bathroom wall instead of Xenu's."


Diane said...

Great use of insomnia time! When I couldn't sleep Wednesday night, I just kept re-checking all the blogs I read to see if anyone was posting at 3 am PST. Not surprisingly, few were . . .

xl said...

I was doing really well. That is, until I got to the monkey part. That sadly reminded me of the missing Tucksworth. (I hesitate to call him "Tucks" since we have not been properly introduced. Seems overly familiar.)

No problems with the gargoyle, Mr Pope, or SeƱior Masked Man, though.

Princess of the Universe said...

That blue nail polish would look great on my toes...

Memphis Steve said...

That's awesome! I love it. Your insomniac boredom is genius.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Don't be too thankful until you find out if your new friend has all the proper parts.

white rabbit said...

Clever! Liked it :D

Mister Underhill said...

I was wondering what happened to El Santo. I will have to pick him up next time I come by. You know, we have the same exact pope picture. So bizarre.

LA said...

I knew that new camera of yours was going to be the gift that keeps on giving!

Frannie Farmer said...

Are you sure that isn't El Hombre?
Strangely familiar ...


Sadly the doll didn't get the hint by the sprayed on blue pants that he was GAY!That's two lonely girls on the bathroom counter now!

Great Pru. Keep 'em coming.

WendyB said...

Hilarious!!!! said...

All I can do is laugh and shake my head....Pru, you are one of a kind.

marky said...

i think you're perfectly normal. really, you're fine. we do have to put our marriage plans on hold however. more later.

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- it's better than staring at the walls, I guess, like I usually do.

XL- oh, that monkey! I'll update about him soon.

Princess- blue toenails are pretty sassy. Perfect for a princess.

Steve- I'd curtsy to you but doll legs just won't bend.

Ron- good point. (sigh)

White Rabbit- ;)

Mister U- you shop at the dollar store too?

LA- it's a pretty sweet camera. I'm infatuated with it.

Fran- well, it's El Somebody or the other. A famous mexican wrestler of some sort. Cool action figure, huh?

Ubermouth- actually, the doll loves the gays so she'd be fine with it. He could do her hair and they could talk shit about Paris Hilton. Good times.

Wendy- glad you liked it, my sweet.

Brenda- we have a mutual admiration thing going on here.

Marky- WHAT?! I already ordered the cake and bought my wedding dress! Well, I shoplifted it anyway. You'd better have a good excuse!

OneHungMan said...

OneHung is sensing more drugs in your future.

MsPuddin said...

Woe is you is right. I’m not sure which is more disturbing, what you did during your insomnia period or the fact that you have a doll to act out that little adventure. But I’m not complaining, I was highly entertained…


BUMBLE!!! said...

You should definitely continue this adventure on a regular basis.

Think of the possibilities!!

GetFlix said...

What is that thing next to the towel rack?

Krissyface said...

You are the most creative blogger I know. I am so jealous of your ideas! That was awesome!

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

For some reason, the salt & vinegar chips seem apropos in a women's bathroom setting.

kookla@work said...

How awesome was this post? Not only do you have a fertile imagination but a cool bathroom. The pope totally rocks.

BTW Does that St. John's Wort really work? I may be needing some of that!

Prunella Jones said...

Onehung- you got any?

MsPuddin- she is actually a Barbie Xmas ornament and I found her under my bed the other day when I was searching for socks.

Bumble- hmmm maybe so. They could go on a journey to the bathtub.

GF- I believe it's called a hand of Fatima. It's a good luck symbol. I like stuff like that.

Krissyface- why thank you! That's much nicer than hearing, "you are so weird."

Blowing Shit Up- doesn't everybody eat chips while taking a bath? No?

Kookla- thanks, Kook. I don't know if the St. John's Wort works or not as you are supposed to take it consistantly for at least a month before you see results and I keep forgeting about it. But it's supposed to be really good.

morbid misanthrope said...

If that doll would have prayed to the Transformers instead of the pope, Optimus Prime would have showed up with a palette of Boone's Farm and a stack of wicked-appropriate mix tapes crammed into that transformer that turns into a boombox. The Autobot boombox, not the Decepticon boombox. It's a well-known fact all the Decepticon boombox will play is creepy Romanian techno.

Prunella Jones said...

Morbid- now you tell me! Too bad the dollar store didn't have any day glow pictures of the Transformers. I haven't had any Boones Farm wine since college. Does it still taste like Koolaid that's been sitting out in the sun for a few months? It would be cool to find a picture of the Rasta god to hang in my bathroom. That way, the next time I get turned into a doll, I can pray for weed and some Marley music. All I'll need then is a little water in the sink and I can pretend I'm in Jamaica, mon.

morbid misanthrope said...

You know, I've never even tried Boone's Farm. I was more of a Mad Dog 20/20 man. Thunderbird, too, but that shit was just too expensive.