12 Days of Christmas at The Boobie Barn

Come on everybody, sing along!



On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me




A girl who needs to make more money.


On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me



Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money




On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me




Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money



On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me



Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money



On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me



Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money



On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me



Six butts a-shaking,
Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money.


One the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me





Seven drunks a-wasted,
Six butts a-shaking,
Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money.



On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me




Eight dorks who think they're big shots,
Seven drunks a-wasted,
Six butts a-shaking
Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money.


On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me



Nine coke fiends snorting,
Eight dorks who they're big shots,
Seven drunks a-wasted,
Six butts a-shaking,
Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money.


On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me



Ten trannies teasing,
Nine coke fiends snorting,
Eight dorks who think they're big shots,
Seven drunks a-wasted,
Six butts a-shaking,
Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money.



On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me




Eleven lickers licking,
Ten trannies teasing,
Nine coke fiends snorting,
Eight dorks who think they're big shots,
Seven drunks a-wasted,
Six butts a-shaking,
Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergi Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money.



On the twelveth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me




Twelve overdue student loan bills,
Eleven lickers licking,
Ten trannies teasing,
Nine coke fiends snorting,
Eight dorks who think they're big shots,
Seven drunks a-wasted,
Six butts a-shaking,
Five jello pits (lime flavored!)
Four Fergie Ferg songs,
Three dumbass bosses,
Two huge fake boobs,
And a girl who needs to make more money.



The End

I am a dork.

You already know this so I guess I will go ahead and tell you what I did the other day.

The weather was really nice on Friday, very sunny and not too cold. My mom decided she would go for walk around the neighborhood and left about the same time that I drove off to run a few errands. On my way home I spotted her ambling along in her high-waisted mom jeans and goofy straw hat. So I drove up behind her, rolled down my window and hollered out, "you better shake that ass a little faster, old lady!"

I'm sure you can guess what happened next. It wasn't my mom! It was some other old chick. Boy, was she surprised. So was I. We just gaped at each other for a minute until I put the petal to the metal and roared home, laughing like a hyena. God, I'm dumb.

But it did cheer me up. Sorry for being so mopey lately. I guess I just got depressed when I realized I'll never be a teen model. Thanks for all your nice comments and emails.

Well I hope everyone has a great holiday celebrating whatever it is you celebrate. May you all live long and prosper and may I always deserve your good will and friendship — you always have mine.

Cheers!

Three Bad Poems

Christmas
Roasting chestnuts in the fireplace smell nice
the children play with their toys
the uncles drink beer
the aunts squabble in the kitchen
I sip eggnog
and watch Grandma try to smoke a Hickory Farms salami.



Memories
There are some things in life that you never forget no matter what.
Like the first time we kissed,
and the night I ate that bad crab salad.



Jeff
Once there was a guy named Jeff.
He worked at a coffin factory
in charge of mentally challenged adults.
They all loved him,
he was their fwend
and mine too.
He had a big belly, long, bristly beard, and a great goony laugh
that could startle children.
Jeff was sad sometimes,
he drank too much and died young.
It sucks when people die.
Miss you, fwend!


(Poor Jeff. He really deserves a much better poem. I wish I was capable of writing him one.)




My internet paramour Mister Underhill and I have started a blog for our terrible poetry and other angsty silliness. Click here if you want to check it out. I know it really needs some color. We are dithering over the template. Any suggestions are welcome.

This is How I Feel Lately

Real Life Sucks Losers Dry

Sorry for the lack of posting. I seem to be suffering from an excess of the black bile lately. It's probably due to the holiday season. I always feel a bit down this time of year. It's like the misery that I stuff down all year suddenly pops up in my face, like some lame, emo jack-in-the-box and I have a hard time shoving it back in.

Don't worry, Cousin Balki's friend Bryce and I have a plan. We are going to cut ourselves and listen to mY cheMicAL roMaNcE until our humours are back in balance.

If that doesn't work, maybe I'll just add some Zoloft to my daily pharmaceuticals.