Sunday, August 15, 2010
Oh hello there, good people of blogland! My name is Velveeta and I am a vedy good friend of Prunella's. She asked me to let you all know that she ees fine, just vedy busy right now working on her autobiography/cautionary tale "Prunella J: Portrait of An Adderall-Gobbling Jello-Wrestler", and installing new wood floors in her house so that she won't have to die on piss-stained carpeting when the moon crashes into the Earth in 2012.
She also got a iPhone and is now positively obsessed with playing Words With Friends and Angry Birds. In fact, that's all she ever do. Play those games hour after hour, chuckling to herself dementedly and screaming out, "BOOYAH, PEGGY HILL" whenever she score big points.
Uh oh. Guess I shouldn't have said that last bit. Now Pru is mad at me. I can tell because she just spit out her gum at me and hit me in the eye. OUCH! That was vedy uncalled for!
What do you mean, don't tell them that? Why not? Eet is true!
I am vedy worried about you, Prunella. You know eet is not healthy to never put down the phone ever. Why, eet is practically attached to your body! You are vedy nearly one with eet, like a cyborg or something. Eet is dangerous! Everyone knows the iPhone's are the mark of the beast! You are on the road to Hell, my frieeend.
And, you know you are lying to your blogger frieeends about working on your book. You haven't done anything creative in months! You don't write your poems. You don't draw your pictures. You don't astrally project yourself into other dimensions any more - not that I approved, of course - but at least it was something, s'okay?
No, now you just sit and play those silly games over and over, and make cultural references that no one who has not watched every episode of "King of the Hill" would possibly be able to understand!
Not to mention your new found addiction to Nicotine gum and lozenges, which is preety pathetic considering you have never even smoke cigarettes! Why would you do that? Eet's not normal!
Nicotine protects your brain from the fluoride that's in the water? I never heard of that. Did you get that from one of those crazy conspiracy websites that you are always reading? You should delete those bookmarks, s'okay, eet's making you vedy strange. What would your frieeends say if I tell them you had made a helmet out of a rubber swim cap, tin foil and Gortex to keep the aliens from listening to your thoughts, eh? They'd think you were nuts! Probably because you are!
No, I will not shut up, s'okay? I have a right to criticize you since I'm the one who got up at 3 A.M. to bail your ass out of jail after you got caught sucking the nitrous out of 24 cans of whipped cream at Kroger and then putting them back on the shelf.
Don't you dare give me the middle finger, Missy! It's your own fault your life is such a mess! No wonder your man left you for that fat lady with five kids whom he met while playing World of Warcraft. He no doubt got vedy tired of hearing your endless theories about how the Illuminati are secretly manipulating the weather and inserting subliminal messages into movies and pop music. Really Pru, how could you expect the poor guy to stick around after you set his Jay-Z CD's on fire? He loves Jigga!
And, I'm sorry, but saying Walt Disney's frozen head is running the world from a secret vault under Disneyland and he commanded you to do eet is not a vedy good excuse! Eet makes you sound completely insane. I'm serious, I think you need help, s'okay?
Oh, so you were just kidding about that, were you? Well, your sense of humor is vedy strange. I haven't forgotten about the time the figure of Jesus suddenly appeared in the oil stains under my car, and I prayed to eet for weeks before finding out that you and Paula Abdul made eet as a practical joke!
No, that WAS NOT funny! I vedy nearly donated my house to the church so the driveway could become a holy shrine! Golden Palace.com still leaves messages on my phone! Stop laughing, you crazy beetch, or I am going to tell your new boss at Big Earl's that you are the one who carved "Phillip likes to sniff his own farts" into the wood of the bar. You'll be fired for sure, even though eet ees true, I've seen him do it too.
(gasp) How dare you insult my weave! No I did not get it from the Britney Spears collection for WalMart! FYI, it was vedy expensive! You are just jealous because that haircut you got makes you look like a soccer mom!
Oh jes, I went there, s'allright! What are you going to do about eet, huh? Huh, Mees Soccer-Mom-haircut?
(Sigh) You are soo predictable.