Monday, July 30, 2007

My Terrible Weekend

Oh my God, I am so hungover today. I drank way too much red wine last night and my head is throbbing. It feels like my brain is throwing itself around my skull, trying to escape. Ugh, this is all Big Earl's fault! The only reason I got drunk was to try and blot out the events of this weekend. And to get rid of the urge to kill Earl. It didn't work in either case.

You see, ever since the whole Tucksworth incident, I have been Earl's whipping girl. He's been punishing me by making Deelishus Diamond the Friday night headliner, while I have to work the unpopular Thursday afternoon shift. We all dread Thursdays because that's when the bus from the retirement home comes by. Those grouchy old men always complain about everything. You know, the food is bad, the drinks are too expensive, the girls were much sexier in their day, blah, blah, blah. Plus it's not exactly lucrative. After three hours of dancing, all I had to show for it was ten dollars in quarters and nickles, which streched my thong to my knees.

Then Earl told me he'd found a replacement for Tucksworth. I wasn't real enthused since I don't want just anyone throwing knives at me. "Is she a professional?" I asked.

"She's a great talent," he growled. "She's been dancing for years, but she's never worked the pole before. Get your ass in here early tommorrow and show her the ropes."

Well that wasn't very inspiring news. Pole dancing is an art, you can't learn it just one afternoon, but I figured it couldn't be too bad if she was already a good dancer.
Oh how wrong I was!

My heart sank the moment I saw her. "Hey, y'all! My name is Britney Sue," she said, while chomping gum, smoking, and guzzling a Red Bull at the same time. "That's sure a cute outfit you're wearing. Want to trade clothes?"

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The new girl.


"Um...no," I said, taking a long look at her ripped up fishnets and grubby leather bustier. She smelled like she hadn't bathed in weeks. I glanced back at Earl, not believing he expected me to dance with this. He gave me an evil little smirk.

"Work up an act," he ordered. "Make it a sexy!"

Britney Sue let out a loud belch. "No problemo," she said with a big smile, "I can do sexy in my sleep!"

"Okay," I sighed. "Show me a few of your moves." I wanted to see what I had to work with. It turned out to be even worse than I expected.

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First she ran around the pole in circles. WTF?


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Then she did sort of a funky chicken type move, complete with arm flapping.


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And then she kind of just stood there and pretended to hump the pole.


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When she slid to the floor in a big finish, I distinctly heard her fart.


I was speechless! This was a great dancer? All of the other girls were snickering and the bartender laughed so hard he nearly threw up. I cut my eyes over to Earl, expecting him to be livid. Instead, he was gazing up at her with awe. "She's fantastic!" he whispered.


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Earl, watching Britney Sue's performance.


Earl was so impressed with Britney Sue that he decided she didn't need me. In fact, he demoted me to a waitress, so I quit. How dare he treat me this way! I marched right across the street to Earl's biggest competition, "The Boobie Barn" and got hired on the spot. It's okay, I made some decent tips but I don't know if I'll be able to stand my new boss. His name is Tom and he's even weirder than Big Earl if that's possible. You won't believe the kind of freaky stuff he's into. Here's a picture of him.

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My new boss. He likes to be saluted.

That nazi stuff creeps me out! But the good news is that he's only about five feet tall and all the girls say he's gay so I won't have to worry about him pawing me. But I'm still angry about the Britney Sue situation. And the very worst part is that she apparently sold out the house on Saturday night. That's right! "Fans" came from miles around just to watch her "dance" and lip sync to some awful 90's tunes. What is wrong with people?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Books

Yesterday while I was engaged in the hopeless task of straightening up my home office, it occured to me that I have way too many books. My two bookcases are crammed full, and there are also little piles of paperbacks scattered everywhere. Most of them are from thrift stores and bargain tables, and I've probably only read about half of them. Or maybe less than that. I tend to be a hoarder when it comes to books, though I'm too ADD to read them all the way through. Plus I like having plenty to choose from. But in the interest of cleaning out this stuffy, little room, I decided to sort them out and make a pile to get rid of. Good grief, I have some weird stuff! Here are a few books from my collection:


1. Rats and Lice and History by Hans Zinsser
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What it's about

Rats, lice, typhus, the Roman Empire, hideous plagues, etc.


Why I bought it

Come on, who could resist a book about vermin? Besides it was only fifty cents.


How much did I read?

A few pages here and there. It's very dry and academic. But certain passages (like the gross details of just what plague does to a person) will definately burn themselves into your brain.


Random Excerpt

The louse was not always the dependant, parasitic creature that cannot live away from it's host. There were once free and liberty loving-lice, who could look other insects in their multifaceted eyes and bid them smile when they called them louse."


2. The Gaylord Hauser Cookbook


What it's about

Healthy cookbook written in 1946.


Why I bought it

For the section titled, "How to Serve Brains Attractively." And for the lima bean pudding recipe. Yum!


How much did I read?

The whole thing, baby! But I have never made any of the recipes.


Random excerpt

"Minute Prune Sauce- Fletcherize together 1 cup of unsweetened grapefruit juice, 1 cup of soaked dried prunes, and honey if desired."



3. Car Living Your Way by A.J. Heim
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What it's about

A how to guide for people who want to (or have to) live in their cars.


Why I bought it

Hey, you never know. I like to be prepared.


How much did I read?

I've skimmed through it. Although I did read the entire section on "Feng Shui for the Car."

Random Excerpt

"I favor peeing in a wide mouthed jar, and having a simple bag in which these jars are conceled for carrying purposes," explains Joanne Baek. "If glass, I favor a sock pulled over the jar to decrease the chances of accidental breakage if bumped. Dirty undies can go in the same bag, and if the jars are appropriate, one can dump the pee in the toilet, rinse the jar, then half fill it with water, add the dirty panties, and shakey, shakey for a daily mini-washing-machine thing."


4. Rolling Away: My Agony with Ecstacy by Lynn Marie Smith
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What it's about

Some chick who couldn't handle her drugs.


Why I bought it

It was on the bargain table. And I have fond memories of the anti-drug books, "Go Ask Alice" and "Christiane F." because they piqued my curiousity more than they warned me off. Eat it, Nancy Reagan!

How much did I read?

About 3/4's of it before I threw it against a wall. This bitch really got on my nerves. What a whiney baby! Just because she couldn't hang she has naturally decided that ecstacy is the devil for everyone. And her poetry sucks ass.

Random Excerpt

"I watched the paper soak up my teardrops. I folded it and put back in my bag. I wiped my eyes as the bus began to move. Mason was the only person who understood me in this world. He knew me at my worst, and still loved me. Now I had to work on loving myself."


5. Moby Dick by Herman Melville
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What it's about

You know, big whale, obsessed captain.


Why I bought it

I've been trying to read this book for the last two years. It's a classic, I can relate to tales about obsession, and I enjoyed the movie. Plus "Pequod" used to be my password for nearly everything.


How much did I read?

I'm still trying to get through chapter one! It's not exactly ADD friendly. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit that I mostly haul it out whenever I have trouble sleeping. It works better than Sominex for me.


Random Excerpt

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and..............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Poor Tucksworth

Do you ever notice how as soon as you get rid of one problem, abother one pops up to take its place? Now that the weather has improved slightly here in Nashville, I'm having a problem with my pet monkey, Tucksworth. You may recall me mentioning Tucksworth once or twice. He's the trained helper monkey who throws the knives I catch in my teeth, as I hang upside down on a pole for my burlesque act down at "Earl's House of Class and Tits." He also sits on my shoulder while I give lap dances, to make sure the customers don't get too grabby. He's very good at his job and everybody loves him. Well, everyone that is except for my boss, Big Earl.

Big Earl has had it in for my monkey ever since Tucksworth snatched Earl's toupee off of his head and threw it at the buffet table. It landed in a pot of Egg Drop soup and was ruined. Big Earl was really pissed. He nearly fired me, but the girls had been bugging him to go get a lace front weave anyway, so everything worked out.


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Here is a pic of Big Earl with his new weave. Notice the picture of him painted in the background? Those are all over the club. He's very vain.


Anyway, even though Earl loves his new hair, he still dislikes Tucksworth. And Tucksworth hates him too. You see, Tucksworth is a bit of a diva. He got his start playing the "Sprockets" monkey on SNL, and feels like he should be treated like the star that he is. Earl is constantly calling him names like, "shithead" and "turd flinger." I've asked him not to many times, as it upsets Tucksworth and the last thing I need is angry monkey throwing knives at me, but he just sneers. He's such a jerk! I knew something bad was going to happen.

Things finally came to a head last week. I was sitting at the makeup table, drawing on my eyebrows when Earl walked in to the dressing room.

"Get your ass in gear, Prunella," he barked. "You and your ugly, disease ridden little varmint are on in ten minutes."

Well I guess Tucksworth couldn't take it anymore. He gnashed his teeth, unleashed the loudest monkey scream I'd ever heard from him, and flung poo at Earl's head.

"Okay, that's it!" Earl yelled, his face the color of a boiled lobster. He was so mad, the vein in his forehead was pulsating like a drum skin. He grabbed the monkey by the neck and tried to strangle him. He very nearly succeeded, until Tucksworth managed to bite Earl's hand hard enough to make him let go. Those sharp little simian teeth nearly severed a fingertip!


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Tucksworth has always been a bit of a boozehound. He especially loves martinis.

Earl said the only way I could keep my job was to get rid of Tucksworth. Since I owe thousands in credit card bills and student loans, I have sadly decided to leave him at home. He's gotten very depressed and has been drinking everyday. It probably hasn't helped matters that I've been going through a hippie phase larely and have been playing my Grateful Dead CDs over and over. I can't help it. I love "American Beauty."

Tucksworth hates jam bands. He prefers rap, and club music like The Black-Eyed Peas. (He does an amazing Fergie impression. Really he can look just like her!) But nothing, not even listening to "My Humps" can cheer him. All he wants to do is drink, and watch Animal Planet all day until he passes out. I'm really getting worried about him. I've tried hiding the booze, but it makes him go crazy. He runs wildly around the house, hooting, and throwing dishes, and spitting in my hair, until I hand over the Gin bottle. (Monkey spit is really hard on the weave.)

So what should I do? Send him to rehab? I don't think he would go. He thinks rehab is for quitters. Would any of you bloggers out there like to take this alcoholic monkey off my hands? When not depressed he has a good personality and as you can see from his photos, he's very cute. He gets along well with other pets and he's quite talented at throwing knives.

Anybody????

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Sweet Zombie Jesus it's hot!

I'm so tired of summer. It was 96 degrees today in NAshville, with about a million percent humidity. The air is like soup. I can't eat. I can't think. My brain has melted and been replaced with kudzu. I have no energy to do anything except watch this dramatic chipmunk over and over.


Don't make him use the force!


All I want to do is laze around in a chair and nap. I've drunk tankfuls of caffeine and taken an Adderall today, but nothing seems to get rid of this languid feeling. No wonder the characters in Erskine Caldwell's novels stayed poor. This here ain't working weather, it's much suited to having sweaty sex with albinos and stealing turnips. Gah! What's a girl from Riverside, California to do? I'm used to desert heat!

Friday, July 13, 2007

My New Favorite Song

I hardly ever listen to the radio anymore. Well except for NPR. I mostly prefer CDs or my IPOD. But during my long, looooong, drive to the convention last week I found myself flipping the radio dial around compulsively. It's so funny how classic rock stations sound exactly the same no matter where you go. They usually have an annoying British DJ and tend to play "Hotel California" over and over. I found plenty of stations broadcasting sermons (mostly while driving through North Carolina) and tons of country stations. I listened to my beloved NPR for quite a while until "A Prairie Home Companion" came on. For some reason I can't stand listening to Garrison Keillor's breathing while he talks. It's so loud and whistling that it drives me crazy.

So I flipped the dial some more until I found one of those top 40ish, Ryan Seacrest type programs. And that's where I heard it. Possibly the most brilliant song I've ever heard in my life.




Really listen closely to these lyrics. They hold the secret to life!


You know how every once in a while a song comes a long that makes you question everything you've ever been taught? I remember hearing The Clash as a kid and getting all excited. They made me want to know more about what was going on in the world outside of my hideous little middle school. The first time I heard The Pretenders Chrissy Hyde growling, "I'm gonna make you, make you notice," I started thinking about the sexual power women have over men. And as I drove through the mountains last week listening to Lil Mama, I suddenly realized something important.

MY LIP GLOSS WAS NOT POPPIN! NOT AT ALL!

In fact, I wasn't even wearing lip gloss. Instead, I had on some Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm. I caught a glimpse of my lips in the rear view mirror and frowned. What did I know about me? I now knew my lip gloss was cheap! No wonder I'm not a big success!

After I found this video on youtube everything became even more clear. I was hideously unpopular in high school, but did my mother ever give me lip gloss advice? Hell no! The woman only wore cheap Avon lipstick, dabbed on once a week before church. She was no help. No wonder the boys were not jockin. No wonder they didn't chase me after school! If only I had known.

So I wasted no time in heading down to the Mac counter at the mall. And I can now safely report that my lip gloss is finally "poppin". And I do indeed, be lovin it! Thank you Lil Mama for sharing your wisdom with the masses.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Whew, I'm finally back from Stripfest 2007! I had a good time, but it was very exhausting. We had a good group of people this year and they all wanted to party nonstop after the classes. I am still trying to recover.

My lectures went well. I was a little nervous at first since I'm not much of a public speaker, but everyone was so enthusiastic and nice that I relaxed pretty quickly. Well, after the valium kicked in anyway. I have a couple of pictures for you.


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Here I am demonstrating the proper way to lick a pole.


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This Britney Spears look-alike got very drunk and puked all over the dance floor, just like the real Britney. We all laughed at her.


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This guy showed us how to make dancing in tennis shoes and socks sexy. He pointed out that socks are a great place to hold tips. I'm going to try it sometime. Let's face it, 8 inch acrylic heels just aren't comfortable.


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My nemesis, trying to work a Ver-sayce dress. As if!

Do you recognize this chick? Her name is Deelicious Diamond and she thinks she's famous or something. I consider her my arch enemy. You see, I am the star dancer at "Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits" and I've worked my ass off to get where I am. This bitch just got hired a few months ago and she's been trying to steal my spot ever since. Why, just last month she tried to push me down the stairs when I was getting ready to go onstage! Luckily I've studied Brazilian ju-jitsu for several years so I have reflexes like a cat. She ended up falling instead. I was really hoping she'd break an ankle or something but she landed on her butt implants and wasn't hurt at all.

I was all, "Nice try, whore!" (For some reason she goes nuts everytime someone calls her a whore.) She shook her fist at me and said she'd get me sooner or later. Now I'm constantly having to watch my back. God, there's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you!!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

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I'm leaving today for my annual stripper's convention. I can't wait. I'm leading my first seminar this year. My topics will include:

How to Keep Extremely Large Implants from Sagging, aka Preventing the Tara Reid Syndrome.

and

50 Ways to Prevent and Deal With Pole Chafing.


Yikes, I hope I do a good job. See you Monday!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Paris Answers Your Theological Questions

Paris Hilton is a changed woman. During her recent 23 day incarceration in an LA county jail, the beautiful heiress suffered great agony from claustrophobia and ADD. Not since Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert has a person been so tested. But instead of whining, she used this time to really study her bible. As a result, PAris has become something of a biblical scholar and she is happy to share her newfound knowlege with each and every one of you. Bring on the questions!


Dear Paris,

I know being on television is kind of nerve racking, which is why I figure you couldn't name a favorite bible passage. So I was just wondering if you might have thought of one now? I'd love to hear it.

Signed,
Curious


Dear Curious,

Ummm yeah. I like that one about Jesus. You know, when he built the big ship with all the animals? That was hot. I love dogs.


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Paris on her way to the baptismal pond.



Dear Paris,

One part of the bible that has always freaked me out was when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. It's so weird how he'd been dead for four days and was "stinking of the grave" but then Jesus says "Lazarus, come forth" and he rises up pulling off the linen strips he'd been wrapped in. I picture him looking like The Mummy. It's so creepy! And then the bible never goes into detail of what happened afterward. It seems like people just said, "Cool beans, Jesus!" and started partying. No one got disturbed that Lazarus is basically a zombie or asks him what it was like being dead. Did he still stink or did that disappear? My Sunday school teachers always got annoyed with me for bringing it up. What do you think?

Signed,
Scared of Zombies


Dear Scared,

Maybe you watch too many horror movies? I was in a horror movie called "House of Wax." Did you see it? It was sooo cool. I died in the movie, but I didn't stink or anything. It was like, not real or anything. My strip scene was really hawt.



Dear PAris,

I've always felt that the Old Testament and the New Testament were so radically different that they didn't belong together in one book. For instance, the Old Testament is all about anger and revenge. God seems to have no problem with violence, often ordering his people to go smite their enemies and getting pissed off if they don't follow his orders to the letter (see Lot's wife). There is tons of rape, incest, whoring, and murder, which God seems to be fine with. But the New Testament is all about loving your neighbor. In fact, Jesus' message contradicts nearly everything in the Old Testament. So is it "an eye for an eye", or "turn the other cheek?"

Signed,
Confused


Dear Confused,

Um.... why are you wondering about that stuff? What does it matter? The bible must be a good book because if you carry it around and tell people you are reading it, then they like you better.



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The next time she gets locked up, Paris vows to read the Koran.


Dear Paris,

Do you know who wrote The Book of Revelation? Whenever I read it, those crazy visions remind of nothing so much as a bad acid trip.

Signed,
Trippy


Dear Trippy,

I don't know. I've never tried drugs. Not even once!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Lock Up Your Daughters, America!



Bill O'Reily is so insane. Although it shames me to turn the channel over to the Fox Network, I do occasionally watch his show for the LOLs. In this clip he is worrying about the lesbian gangs that are apparently rampaging through our cities, beating and robbing hapless men and turning our children into raging homosexuals. They are rumored to carry pink pistols. BEWARE!

This sounds like the plot of a John Waters movie. He should really consider it for his next film. It could be called "Dykes Taking Over" and the plot could involve the stylish chicks terrorizing some misogynistic, Islamic extremist terrorists. If only Divine were still alive to star in it, as the leader of the DTO's. Although, now that I think about it, a bald headed Britney does resemble Divine. I think it could be an amazing star turn for her.


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"Let's kill all the men, y'all!"

Wow, just think of the killer soundtrack this movie could have. Lots of great "angry woman" songs from Alanis Morrisette, a little "girl power" from The Spice Girls, and some Lilith Fair stuff.

Yes, this is the movie I'd like to see. Not Spiderman 4. Not Shrek 12. Not Die Hard with a Colostomy Bag. I wish those lesbian gangs would go beat the shit out of whoever greenlighted all of these boring films.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Pete!

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What is Pete Doherty doing?

A) Signing copies of his new book The Books of Albion- The Collected Writings of Peter Doherty.

B) Wetting his pants.

C) Trying to remember where he left his crack pipe.

D) Sweating like a cub scout at Neverland.

E) Wondering where he is.

F) All of the above.

As you may know, I'm pretty fond of poetry. So, of course I had to read his new book. I find Pete's work very lyrically rich and brimming with mystery. He can really delve deeply into the connections between humans and natural experience - poetry that touches both soul and bones, if you will. Here is just one fine example:


Crack is not Whack
it makes me a cool cat
and extra good in the sack.
If you don't believe me ask Kate.
She's over there, with that cop who wants to take me back to rehab.
Bloody Wanker!
Oh Kate
stop procrastinating and be my mate.
And we shall marry in a shower
of the finest, white, Columbian powder.
It will be so great!
Tasty, like a Whiskey Sour.

His sharp images really resonate, don't they? Here is another:

Well once upon a time
I was walking down the street
I was was walking down the street and looked down at me feet
I gave them both names-- one's Nigel, one's Lew
so I stepped on Nigel, who then stepped on Lew
and then I fell
Bloody, bloody, fookin hell!
What the fook are you lookin at, wanker?


Sometimes it gets on my nerves that unlike most people (i.e., me), celebrities have no problem getting their writing published. Even their shittiest, most half-assed projects become instant best sellers. But Pete is obviously an artist. I've heard that most of the poems were originally written in his own blood. That's pretty deep. No wonder KAte Moss can't resist him! He has officially replaced KFed as my new favorite poet.