Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Blarghbalah is Here

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Keanu Reeves! Have you ever wished for more intelligence?

Keanu: Huh?


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Renee Zellweger! Would you like some help with finding a hetrosexual husband?

Renee: Who me?


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Kevin Federline! Do you ever wish you could discover your true potiental as a human being?

KFed: Hell nawh! I'm partying like a mofo, it's all good!


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Renee: Wait, what did you say? I'm interested!


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If you've ever felt like your life was not going too well and that you would be judged harshly for it, you were right.

The fact is, the day of judgement is at hand and you will be judged, and your worthless soul shall be thrown into a pit of Wesson oil with ten flatulant monkeys and Perez Hilton! Not a very pleasant way to spend eternity is it?

Luckily the scribes of the seventh level of Blargh have all the answers you've been looking for. It's called Blarghbalah and it's a powerful tool. Not only will it help you manage your day to day life, but it can also:

cure herpes
improve air cirdulation in the brain
make you lose weight without diet and exercise
get you really, really high

Listen, according to medical science we only use four percent of our brain capacity. That's right, we fail to perceive ninety-nine percent of our universe! Our world is in chaos. Is it any wonder you are dissatisfied? We are all disconnected from our space alien ancestors. The only way to reconnect is to drink heartily from the Vessel of Rightness. Because rightness attracts goodness which in turn attracts success. Blarghabalah can help with that. If you are willing to open your heart, mind, and wallet, then Blarghabalah will work for you!


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The stunning new Blarghaballa Center is located centrally in glamarous downtown Los Angeles.



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While browsing in the gift shop be sure and pick up a bottle of Blarghbalah water. Bottled straight from the source, the lovely flowing rivers of the fifth level of Blargh, this water has been shown to have special healing powers. It's been scientifically proven to change your body's properties. This water will change your life! Just ask Lindsay.


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Lindsay: I love Blarghbalah water! It's better than ANY drug I've tried. Not that I've tried any. I don't even drink. I only went to rehab because I liked the way it was decorated.


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So hurry over to the Blarghabalah Center. If you don't join soon you will be judged harshly for your incompetance! So sayeth Prunella of the seventh level of Blargh!

Monday, April 23, 2007

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Oh boy, I sure do love mojitos. Yummy! I only had two though (hic) or eight. And I had, like, three taco chips with them. I'm good to drive.


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Fool! The day of judgement is at hand. You, Cameron Diaz, shall be judged harshly, so sayeth the scribes of the seven levels of blargh.


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Um...huh? What? Am I being punked? Is that you back there Justin? Because I'm really over you. I'll never take you back.....unless of course you want me back. Do you?


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I am Prunella of the seventh level of Blargh! You shall be judged! Your soul shall be devoured and belched forth into a burning lake of rat entrails and Hollywood d-listers. Your movie career shall die and ye shall be regulated to occasional appearances on The Surreal Life. Truely ye are doomed. Unless.......


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Unless what? (hic)


To Be Continued....

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Madonna Helps Orphans

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Once upon a time in Africa, there lived a hardworking dung beetle named Larry. Larry was a good provider and spent his days gathering plenty of poop to feed his five hundred children. All was well until the day Madonna came to town....


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"Hullo, good people. It is I, Madonna. I am here to save another one of your children from a life of poverty and bad fashion. Why aren't you wearing the red bracelets I gave you? Are you not grateful?"


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"Cor Blimey! What the F did I just step in?"


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"Yes, I want you to line up all the girl orphans. Have them ready, I'll be there in a moment to make my selection. I need to go change my shoes first. I just stepped in the most god-awful shite."


Celebrities: Our best solution to the problem of orphans in Africa. Or are they? 500 baby dung beetles would say no!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Friday, April 13, 2007

Partying with KFed

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True Story: As some of you may know, I spend my days writing steamy romance. It is my true calling, but since I am no Danielle Steel I must suppliment my income with a night job, dancing at Spanky's House of Ho's. A girl's got to make her cheddar, yo. Anyway I'm used to meeting plenty of big celebrities, but I must admit to being dazzled when none other than Kevin Federline himself wandered in the other night.

He and his posse had come prepared to party and soon enough the fifties were flying and oceans of Red Bull were consumed. Kevin was looking pretty darn hot with his newly shorn dome and shiny bling blazing from his ears, although he's much shorter than I'd imagined. The other dancers were egging me on to go talk to him so I did.


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"Hey, Kevin," I began with a smile. "I really like your pink sweatshirt. My mom has one just like it."
He didn't answer. In fact, I don't think he heard a word I said because he was busy staring at my friend Diamond's new boobs. They are very nice but nothing special. I mean she just got the standard, run of the mill, double D's. Ho hum. I'm the one sporting triple F's!

I really wanted to ask him about Britney and the kids but soon it was time for me to go on stage. I just knew Kevin would be impressed with my act. I slowly peel off my clothes to the tune of "Popozao" while juggling balls of fire and contorting my body into the shape of a pretzel. Then my pet spider monkey, Tucksworth, who's dressed in a powder blue tuxedo, throws knives at me which I catch in my teeth. As my grand finale I pull a chain, and douse myself with a bucket of water while doing the splits and yodeling The Star Spangled Banner.

As I took my bows to a standing ovation, I glanced over to see how Kevin had enjoyed my dancing.


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Would you believe he still had his eyes glued to Diamond's cleavage? Talk about a one track mind! I was so miffed that I ignored him for the rest of the night. Poor Diamond, didn't even get a big tip for her troubles. Instead of cash he slipped her a card that read, "Dr. Federline's Breast Examination Service, good for one free checkup!" Needless to say we were not impressed.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Extreme Cuteness Alert

What's pink and cute and can travel at 600 mph?

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Hello Kitty Airline!

Would you fly on this plane? I would. I usually have to sedate myself in order to prevent panic attacks but I bet flying on this airline would be like dropping acid. Why worry about the plane crashing when you can groove on all those pretty colors and cuddly characters? Harajuku girl stews? This is genuis!


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Isn't this the trippiest airplane meal you've ever seen? I especially love the eyeball on the bread. Psychedelic. The only thing that could make it better would be if the sandwich talked in a cute little voice.

What do you think?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Before

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Who would have guessed this cute little boy would grow up to look like "Mommy Dearest" era Joan Crawford?


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Katie Holmes before her fairy tale wedding and subsequent lobotomy.


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A pre nose job Angelina. Don't tell me something hasn't been done!


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Brad used to be quite girly looking. I bet the young Angie would have beaten his ass and taken his lunch money in high school.


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Once upon a time Meg Ryan was adorable.


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It looks like Kim Kardashian spent all of her trust fund on plastic surgery. No wonder she leaked her sex tape. The girl needs money!


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You just know Star Jones would love to burn this picture. "Who me? I have never had a weight problem. I have always been thin and glamorous and my husband is straight, got it?!"


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Who is this leather clad young thug? I'll give you a hint: he would recommend e-metering and anal probing over Prozac any day.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Breaking News: Anna Nicole's Baby Daddy Revealed

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What a shocker! That Anna Nicole sure had strange taste in men, didn't she? Ewwwww I'd rather kiss a wookiee.

Oompa Loompa of the Day

Christina Aguilera

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Oompa loompa doompty doo
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompty dee
if you are wise you will listen to me

What do you get when you spray on a tan?
An orange glow visable even to a blind man
but make sure your coverage is complete
because a neon body with white hands and feet
makes you look like a feeb.

Beyonce

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Yes, that really is Beyonce and not Mariah Carey as I first thought. It was hard to recognize her since she isn't wearing her usual twenty pounds of frosted horse hair, but I think she looks better without it, don't you? Did you hear that she is releasing yet another version of her album B'Day? This one will feature six songs in Spanish, one in Japanese, two in Yiddish, and the rest in Klingon. God, that girl is so talented! I can speak a little German and cuss in seven languages but that's about it.

Incidentally, I just looked up cuss words in Klingon but there aren't any. However I did learn how to say "Hab SoslI' Quch" which is a pretty big insult meaning "your mother has a smooth forehead." Good to know, huh?

Monday, April 09, 2007

Brit Shopped

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Every once in a while I like to have a big garage sale to get rid of all my clutter and fashion mistakes. You know what they say, one man's trash is another man's treasure. Imagine my surprise when Britney Spears showed up at the one I had this weekend. She immediately zeroed in on my mom's old stewardess uniform from 1967. She loved it so much she insisted on changing into it right there in my driveway! Then she went wild for an apricot colored, kit and kaboodles makeup bag from my high school years. She thought it would make a great purse since it went so well with the stewardess outfit.


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She got kind of mad at me when I told her that newsboy caps were so yesterday.


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But once I offered her this hat with the bird appliques she was all smiles. I remember decorating this hat as a gift for my Grandpa when I was in eigth grade. For some reason he never wore it, but at least Britney will get some use out of it. Because she was such a good customer, I let her have a pair of my Aunt Mildred's sunglasses for free. She was so happy.

Even though all these items were genuine antiques I agreed to let her have them for only $500. I admit I was a little freaked out when she took off her boot in order to hand me five crinkled and stinky one hundred dollar bills. Good thing I always keep a can of Lysol handy.

All in all my garage sale was a big success! Much better than the one I had last year. Winona Ryder showed up at that one, but for some reason I didn't make any money even though everything was gone by the end of the day. Hhhhhmmmmm.

Three Men and a Baby 2007

They changed her diapers, she changed their lives!

Coming to a theater near you this summer.

Larry, Howard, and Prince Von Douchebag know a thing or two about women, but when it comes to babies they're all wet!


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Howard, she did a poo poo; it's your turn to change her.


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Oh crap! I'll give you a thousand dollars if you do it. Once Anna's lawsuit is settled that is. And minus my lawyers fee.


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Please fellows, zere is no need to argue. We can get Zsa Zsa to do it. After all, zat is what ze women are for, ja? Ho ho ho.


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Help!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Yummy

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"I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig! Weeeeee!"

Two interesting things happened last week. Kevin Federline's little brother (I believe his name is Delroy? Or maybe Clem?) got arrested for giving alcohol to minors, and I fell in love. For reals, yo! Those weasely eyes! That purty, purty mouth! Those Federline boys really know how to grease my wheels! I bet Clem can play a mean banjo too.

So who do you think is hotter? Kevin or his brother? I'd do them both mmmhhhhmmmmm!

Federlicious def-, Federlicious def-,
Federlicious definition make them girls go crazy
Both of them remind me of
a backwoods Patrick Swayze.
Them boys know how to rock, rock
Sooo fertile you be wantin what they got!

They're Federlicious (so delicious)
They faces looks so vicious
Smoke, drink, and party, they don't worry bout no fitness
God as my witness
I ain't speakin all fictitious
I wanna blow them kisses
cause they tttttttasty, tasty!

Yee-ow

Friday, April 06, 2007

Hilary!

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"Could you sign this for me, please? Oh my God, I'm freaking out! I love you! I just loved you in Mean Girls, Lindsay!"


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"Oh no you didn't just call me, Lindsay! Don't you know who I am? I am Hilary Duff, star of Cheaper By the Dozen 1 and 2 and don't you forget it!"


Poor Hilary! It must be so hard to be a good girl in Hollywood nowadays when the bad girls get all the attention. Not only is she not mystic tanned into a sickly orange shade, but she sports no implants, hasn't been photographed falling down drunk, and we've never seen her vagina even once! In fact the only thing I can seem to recall about Hils is that her veneers resemble gigantic chiclets and her sister starred in "Napoleon Dynamite." Gosh.

Step it up, girl! Don't worry about talent, talent is for losers. If you ever want to get off the B-list then you've got to get yourself talked about. May I suggest a cocaine binge, shaving your head, and then attacking a photog's car with some sort of sharp implement? True, you may end up in rehab and people might call you a skank, but at least they will know your name!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Evil Pru Reviews

I'm back! Did you miss me?

After the horror of seeing herself in a bathing suit the other day, Prunella has sworn off junk food and started jogging to firm up her mush body. Since she is addicted to sugar and hates to break a sweat, this has put her in a pretty bad mood. Of course I'm egging her on since I looooovvvveee to come out and play! I keep taunting her by singing, "Must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that!" about a thousand times in her ear while ripping open a bag of Doritos. She's practically crying because she's having fruit for breakfast instead of a bagel with cream cheese. Ha ha. What a baby!

I feel like reviewing stuff today. Prunella never gets around to it since she is very lazy.


SONS OF HOLLYWOOD- is a new show on A&E and it sucks! It's vapid, ridiculous, and insufferable and makes Growing Up Gotti look like high art. Okay, I did only watch about two minutes of it but that's because two minutes was all I could take. I am sick of these stupid shows about dumbass rich kids and their useless, privledged little lives. I wish every celebrity had to be be sterilized so that they would be unable to foist their hideous spawn on a weary public!


TOFU HOT DOGS- Ever had one? It tastes like what I imagine boiled paper would taste like, except blander. Tofu is not good! Even my dog wouldn't eat it and she's not exactly known for her high standards. She eats cat turds and licks water out of the toilet, but she won't go near one of these.


THE JACK VAN IMPE SHOW- the best show on television. Jack is a wacked out televangilist who can't wait for the end of the world. He's really panting for it. The show basically consists of him and his foxy wife Rexella (I love that porn star name) sitting behind a desk. Rexella reads stories from the newspaper about killer earthquakes and the war in Iraq, and then Jack will quote bible verses that prove we are living in the "end times" and all the good people who believe in Jesus and pay $29.95 for his video will go to heaven with him and Rexella. The rest of us sinners will burn, and the thought of it makes him orgasmic. I'm so facinated by people who want to experience the Rapture during their lifetime. I think George Bush is one of them.


PRUNELLA'S COUSIN EDITH THE POETESS- thank God that annoying bitch is gone! Her constant spouting of horrible poetry was getting old. It just went on and on and on. Here is an example of the grocery list she left for el Hombre the other day:

pure ORGANIC MILK to nurture
crusty BREAD to sustain life and belly
PEANUT BUTTER velvety smooth doth tickle a tongue
savage crunch CELERY between firm little teeth, satisfy
noblest TAMPONS dam the flow, thank you precious beavers

El Hombre is a truely a saint for putting up with her as long as he did.

Here is a poem I just wrote. I hope you like it. Oh wait, actually I don't care if you do. Muyhahahahahahahahahha.

Roses are red
violets are blue
poetry is boring
shut up!

Okay, I'm bored now. I think I will go get a box of donuts and wave it in front of Prunella while she cries into her skinny latte with fake sugar. I'm so happy to be back. And judging from the amount of mush on Pru's butt along with her well known nonexsistent will power, I expect to be around for quite a while!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Bathing Suit Angst

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Why, oh why, is it so freaking hard to find a decent bathing suit?????

I just got back from the mall and I'm feeling very traumatized. I hate shopping. I wish I could just order something online, but swimsuits, like shoes, really need to be tried on. It was a hideous experience.

The mall really creeps me out, and here is why:

1. It's almost always crowded and crowds make me nervous.

2. I'm phobic of bi-level malls that have a second floor, because I can't stand the way you can look over the edge and see the people walking below. They usually just have a flimsy looking "fence" only about waist high to keep the public from falling. I can't walk comfortably around the second floor because I'm terrified that I will fling myself over the ledge. Seriously. I know it's stupid, but I can totally picture myself doing that, and vividly imagine what it would be like. I can absolutely feel myself grabbing at the air in terror as I realize my mistake, and the sickening splat as my skull hits the hard floor and shatters into a million pieces. Can you imagine how traumitizing the sight of my brains and guts splattered all over the first floor of the mall would be to all the little kids who would accidentally witness this? I can't be responsible for that. Plus I don't want to die, so you see why I avoid the second floor.

3. I don't like escalators because I'm scared that my shoelaces or pants will get caught inside them and my leg will be ground up and have to be amputated. This is not an unrealistic fear. It has been known to happen. I also hate elevators if other people are inside them because of, you know, germs. I'd really prefer stairs but they aren't usually an option in malls.

4. Ladies swimwear is usually located on the second floor for some unknown but really annoying reason. Thus I was forced to deal with my phobia and the heart pounding terror that comes with it.

Once I finally made it to the swimwear section I was really bummed to find hundreds of bikinis for sale, but hardly any decent one pieces. Who's buying all these bikinis? I don't want to worry about sucking in my gut while trying to swim and I could care less about tanning my stomach. But the one pieces all looked like something my grandma would wear. I hate those gigantic cups where your bosoms are supposed to go. Ugh.

I picked out a couple that weren't completely horrible and headed to the dressing room. Trying on bathing suits after a winter of sitting on my ass in front of the computer was a completely depressing experience. I am presently suffering from "mush butt" and the swimsuits all seemed to be cut to allow for maximum exposure of my low hanging ass cheeks. Holy crap! I was reminded of those mud flaps that hang over the back wheels of a truck. My butt looks like Paris Hilton's! I've gotta start jogging. My boobs looked pretty good jutting out of the tops, but I'm not real comfortable showing the girls off like that. Honestly, I don't want to worry about one popping out while I splash around oblivious. This happened to me one time when I was a teenager. I had an entire conversation with a snickering, band geek whom I had a crush on before a friend clued me in.

After hitting a couple of stores I finally found one tank style suit that was semi-acceptable but I didn't buy it. It was black and plain and looked just like the one I already have.

I'm now torn between starving myself Nicole Richie style, or eating a carton of Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Crunch and going to bed.